Gilly Flower Writings

Visions

By Kathryn Evans

Claire woke with a jerk, sweat pouring down her face and chest. Her hands were shaking and her heart was pounding as she clutched the flowered sheets that were bunched around her waist. At first she didn’t know what had woken her and she looked over at the sleeping form of Christian next to her. He was still fast asleep and snoring softly and seemed not to have noticed her abrupt waking.

You must be going crazy, Claire, she thought. She looked at the clock and the bright red numbers proclaimed 3:26 AM. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and tried to wipe the sweat from her face. Her heart was still pounding and her breath was coming fast and ragged. She stood up and tried not to disturb Christian as she walked to the bathroom and softly closed the door before turning on the light.

She turned on the tap and rinsed the perspiration from her face. As she brushed back her damp hair the dream that had woken her started to come back in flashes. Her brother, Jeremy, in a black suit. His apartment, trashed with garbage and dishes everywhere. Duchess, the orange cat they had had growing up, sitting on top of a bed, mewling. And the briefest image of Jeremy holding out his hand to her and saying ‘Good bye’.

Claire’s knees gave out and she would have fallen if she hadn’t been gripping the sink so hard. Her whole body was shaking now and her heart was pounding so hard she thought her chest was going to burst open.

This isn’t happening to me. Not again. Please let this be just another nightmare. Just a dream. Just an ordinary, everyday dream.

She stared at herself in the mirror but it wasn’t her own face that she saw. Red hair, blue eyes, pale, freckled skin were the same as Jeremy's and it was his face she saw. She hadn’t spoken to her brother in almost two months. Not out of spite, they simply didn’t talk that much even though he lived only ten minutes from the bar where she worked and fifteen from her apartment. He lived with his girlfriend, at least Claire thought they were still together. The last time she had been over there she wasn’t very impressed with the blond, perfectly tanned Kimmie. She had seemed more than a little trampy and was far too perky and probably highly medicated.

Claire took a few deep breaths and rinsed her face again, a little more vigorously this time. She switched off the light and went back to climb into bed next to Christian. He was still fast asleep but she managed to wriggle underneath his arm and snuggle down against his chest. Even in his sleep he instinctively shifted to make her more comfortable and she just lay in his arms. But she couldn’t sleep. The dream was too vivid now and it wouldn’t go away. She tried to shut it out from her mind but couldn’t. And so she just lay there listening to Christian snore and tried to block out her own thoughts.

            *                       *                       *                       *                       *                       *

The next morning she woke up groggy and felt like she hadn’t slept at all. Christian was already awake and she could hear him in the kitchen fixing breakfast. The sun coming in from the window was dull and when she looked at the clock she saw it was almost 8:00.

“Morning,” Christian said as she came into the kitchen. He was standing over the stove frying eggs and bacon in only his t-shirt and boxers and Claire couldn’t help smiling. She always knew they made an odd pair, with her pasty white Irish complexion and his dark, Italian good looks. But she thought he was gorgeous, even first thing in the morning before he had showered or made any attempt to straighten his hair.

“Your dad called last night,” he said as he set out two plates on the counter. “Wanted to talk to you about some money stuff.”

“Probably about the new car. I told him I didn’t need him to help me pay for it but he seems to think money is the same as showing affection.”

“He’s just trying to help you out.”

“I guess.”

He dished up the eggs and bacon and handed one plate to her. She didn’t like to talk about her father. They hadn’t been close in a long time and now only talked when he felt guilty and wanted to relieve that guilt by buying her ridiculously expensive things that she didn’t need. He was a lawyer and had convinced himself years ago that money could fix anything.

“Didn’t you sleep well?” Christian asked. “You look terrible.”

“I had a bad dream and then couldn’t get back to sleep. It’s nothing.”

“What was the dream?”

“I really don’t want to talk about it,” she said, starting to get a little annoyed. She didn’t want to think about her dream. She just wanted to forget about it and move on. She picked at her eggs with her fork but even though she knew they would be good she just couldn’t muster an appetite. Christian was a great cook but food was far from her mind this morning.

“I’m off work today,” she said to change the subject. “I was thinking I might go down to the park and walk around the lake. I haven’t been down there in a while, I might take my sketchpad and just relax for the day.”

“I think that would nice, though I heard it might rain later. You need some time to yourself, especially today.”

“What do you mean? What’s today?”

“Well, I mean, Claire, it’s August 16th. It’s the anniversary of your mom’s… it’s the day of your mom’s accident. I thought that was why you were being a little moody this morning.”

“I’m not moody,” she said, a little harsher than she intended.

She had forgotten. Seven years since her mother had died, run over by a drunk driver, and she had never forgotten. She looked at August 16th like the date of her own death; unavoidable but just as fearful. And now she had forgotten. And that horrible dream was still pounding in her head trying to drown out everything else.

“Look, I’m sorry I brought it up,” said Christian. “I’m done eating so I’m gonna jump in the shower. I’ve got some stuff to do before I go into work. But you really should go spend some time at the park, it will be good for you and maybe it will help take your mind off some things.”

He scooped up the last of his eggs and put his plate in the sink. As he walked past her towards the bathroom he stopped to kiss her forehead. Like that could make the morning go back to normal. She wished it would.

She looked at her eggs and made one last attempt to actually eat some, but ended up scraping them into the trash. The day seemed to be going downhill with every minute. First the dream and then the realization it was August 16th. What else could happen?

Thinking about the dream made her think about the dream she had the day before her mom’s accident. It had been the same, flashes of images that seemed so clear afterwards and stayed with her all day. She had seen the car, and her mother lying in the street, but she had been so scared she had never told anyone. It made her shiver.

It had been right before Jeremy left for college. They only had a week between the funeral and when he was supposed to be in his dorm. She had cried that entire week and after he left she used call him and write him letters just to try and fill the emptiness she felt consuming her.  Her dad just buried himself in his work after the accident and had pretty much lived there since. He would never talk about it, he didn’t even like to say her name, and even seven years later he still twitched if it was even mentioned.

Jeremy had gone to college and for a while he would write letters back to Claire and listen to her chatter on the phone. But eventually the letters stopped and he got more and more impatient with her on the phone and so she quit calling. His grades remained just high enough that they couldn’t kick him out, but most of his time was spent drinking and finding the next pretty, and sometimes not-so-pretty, girl. By the time he finally graduated, he and Claire spoke only rarely and usually by accident. Like the time they ran into each other at the supermarket and were both shocked to learn it was because they lived within a two-block radius.

She could hear Christian in the shower now as she walked back to the bedroom; the water splashing down and his out of tune singing as he tried to remember the words to that new song they kept playing on the radio. Sometimes he truly did believe he was a good singer, had even wanted to start his own band, and Claire had never had the heart to shatter his delusions.

But she didn’t even wince at Christian's singing today. Today it was something to take her mind off of everything else and she was glad for it as she started to get dressed.

She was lacing up her boots by the time Christian finally got out of the shower.  She watched as he toweled off his hair for a few moments and finally worked up her nerve to say, “So you know that dream I had last night?”

“Yeah,” he said, taking the towel down from his head.

“Well, it was really strange,” she hesitated. “It was about my brother. I think he might be in trouble.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know. I just have this feeling.” She felt lame even saying it. She was going crazy, it was just a stupid dream and didn’t mean anything. And yet. “I’ve had dreams like this before. Dreams I didn’t understand at the time but afterwards something bad happened. Something in the dream.”

“Claire, are you saying you think you’re psychic?”

“No! I’m just… I don’t know what I’m saying. Maybe all I’m saying is that I’m insane and you should take me to a mental hospital.”

“I think you are overreacting to this a little. After all, it was just a dream.”

It was more than a dream though. She knew this. She knew it, but couldn’t say it and so she just left Christian to finish dressing.

            *                       *                       *                       *                       *                       *

The storm had broken before Claire had even opened her sketchpad. The clouds had threatened rain all morning but she had decided to go to the park anyway. She had just found an empty park bench that looked like a good place to sketch when the first warning drops of rain started. She barely made it back to the car before the real downpour started and now she sat in a coffee shop sipping chai tea because she hadn’t wanted to go back to the apartment.

Outside the rain still poured and even though it wasn’t even mid-afternoon the sky was so dark it seemed almost dusk. The rain fell in heavy drops straight down and it seemed as if the world was being flooded.

I wonder if someone is building an ark somewhere, she thought idly.

“Claire?” a girl’s voice said behind her. She turned around to see Bailey Moore standing there dressed in the khaki pants, blue shirt and white apron worn by all the waitresses in the coffee shop.

“Hey, Bailey. I didn’t know you worked here.” Bailey had gone to school with Claire and Jeremy and had run in the same group of friends. She hadn’t changed much, same frizzy blond hair that she cut too short, same perfect skin that had always been her most attractive feature, and same too friendly smile like she was everyone’s best friend and confidant.

“Yeah, I’ve been working here a few months now. The pay isn’t all that great, but on a good day the tips make up for it. What about you? You still working at that bar? What’s the name, the Black Horse or something?”

“The Black Dog. And yeah, I’m still waitressing there. Chris is one of the head cooks now.”

“You two are still together then? That’s great, I always did like him. Such a great guy. Myself, I’m between boyfriends at the moment. The last guy I went out with was a real creep. Always calling me and wanting to know where I was. And the sick part is it turned out he was cheating on me the whole time.”

“That’s terrible,” Claire said, trying not to sound too uninterested while at the same time trying to finish her tea as fast as she could. She wasn’t in the mood to hear about Bailey’s dating woes.

“Oh, I saw your brother the other day.”

“Jeremy?” Like she had another brother.

“Yeah. He didn’t look too good. Like he hadn’t left his apartment in a while, because he hadn’t shaved or anything and his clothes looked liked he’d been sleeping in them. It was at the supermarket, the one down by Main St. I guess he’s taking the whole Kim thing kind of hard.”

“The Kim thing?”

“You know, her dumping him for that guy in Texas she met on the Internet. And leaving him the apartment where she hasn’t been paying rent for the last three months. You know I hear she might be pregnant too, though lord knows who the father might be.”

“Right,” Claire said a little vaguely. How could all this happen and she didn’t know it? Bailey talked like it was common gossip but it was Claire’s own brother and she hadn’t a clue about any of it.

“I tried talking to him when I saw him at the store but he just seemed kind of dazed. All he had in his shopping basket was some milk and a box of crackers. I asked him if he wanted to do something sometime and he just kind of blew me off. I’m kind of worried about him.”

“Yeah, me too. Look, Bailey, I’ve got to go. It was great seeing you though. We should hang out sometime or something.”

Claire left her half-finished tea on the table and grabbed her purse off the chair next to her. She walked outside and stood underneath the overhang since the rain was pouring harder than ever. It was raining so hard now that you couldn’t see very well more than a dozen feet away. She thought about going back inside and waiting for it to pass but she didn’t think she was up to dealing with Bailey again.

Her car wasn’t that far so she decided to make a dash for it. The rain was shockingly cold and stunned her for a moment but she managed to make it to the car only to discover she had locked it. She was now thoroughly soaked and the rain was coming down harder. As she fumbled for her keys she thought she saw something out of the corner of her eye. She turned and through the curtain of rain she thought she saw someone standing a little way away. It was a man, holding out his hand to her mournfully, and though she couldn’t quite see his face she thought she saw his lips move though she could hear no sound but the rain pounding around her. She thought he was saying ‘Good bye’. And just like that she knew. It was the same as her dream.

“Jeremy,” she all but whispered. She stood for what seemed like a long time, keys and rain forgotten, until the cold and wet shocked her back into reality. She blinked and he was gone and she had no choice but to finally dig out her keys and drive home.

            *                       *                       *                       *                       *                       *

It was the next day when she got the call.

One of Jeremy’s neighbors had gone over to see if he had any beer and found him on the kitchen floor, an empty bottle of tequila next him, laying in a pool of his own blood from his slit wrists. The neighbor called 911 but Jeremy had already been dead for hours.

Claire didn’t cry for the first day. She sat on the bed, numb and unresponsive to anything Christian said. He tried to coax her into talking. He tried talking sweetly, he tried shouting, he tried pleading, but she just stared ahead like she couldn’t see him. She knew it was her fault. The dream had been a warning. It had been trying to tell her to do something and she had ignored it. And now her brother was dead. And it was her fault.

“Claire?”

She looked up. “Daddy?”

Her father knelt down in front of her and took her hands in his. He was wearing one of his light gray suits, though no tie today and the top button of his shirt was undone. He looked older than she remembered, more lines around his eyes, and his mouth seemed more of a frown than ever. But the hands that held hers were still strong though they were shaking a little at the moment.

“Claire, baby, are you alright?”

She just looked at him. And then, “I never told either of them good bye.” And with that it was like a dam broke and she flung herself sobbing into her father’s arms. They held onto each other for a long time and a few times Claire thought he might be crying too but she couldn’t be sure. She just held onto him and let him rock her like he had when she was a child and got scared at night.

            *                       *                       *                       *                       *                       *

After the funeral Claire went alone down to the lake where her mother used to take her and Jeremy as children to play while their father was at work. She stood on the bank and just watched the water flow for the longest time. Finally she took two white carnations that she had saved from the funeral service and set them in the water to float down the lake as far as they could.

She watched them until they were out of sight and then she whispered, “Good bye,” before turning and heading back to the car where Christian was waiting for her.