Gilly Flower Writings

Plastic and Steel

By Kathryn Evans

Jana didn’t notice the humming anymore. The quiet hum of the space station was such a part of her subconscious that she couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be without it. The tiny clicks and beeps of the instruments added just enough variety to keep it from being completely monotonous.

The slap of her bare feet on the chrome floor echoed around her as she padded through the station. Sometimes she would just wander through the station’s corridors and feel it thrive and vibrate beneath her. There weren’t very many places to go, however. Just her sleeping quarters, a few research labs, and the main bridge where all the controls were located. The bridge was where she spent most of her time, watching the monitors with videos from Earth. The satellites gave her constant feeds from anything that was broadcast anywhere on Earth.

For ten years the vids had been her only real connection to Earth as she orbited the planet in her plastic and steel tower. Ten years ago they had shot her into space and then apparently forgot about her after interest in the project had petered out. She couldn’t even remember the original reason that they had sent her. She knew that it had been for some kind of research but she had a hard time remembering the specifics unless she sat down and really thought hard about it. And the truth was that she just didn’t really care anymore.

One of the vids was showing a news bulletin. It looked like another war was breaking out. Riots, bombings, all the standards. Jana had seen two wars from her monitors. With the endless satellite feeds she had watched them make their moves like a giant game of chess.

She wasn’t in the mood for politics right now, though, so she switched to some daytime drama. It was all the same to her, anyway. It was all drama that she could neither effect nor be effected by. Sometimes she would turn the sound off on the monitors and make up her own dialogue. It was usually much more entertaining and it didn’t matter whether she was watching the news or a sitcom.

“So how is the world turning?”

“Go away, Hank,” Jana grumbled.

“Are we feeling grumpy today?”

Jana also wasn’t in the mood for Hank today. Though he was her only companion, sometimes he grated on her nerves and got underneath her skin.

“It looks like a new war is about to start,” said Jana.

“Oh? Who is fighting whom over what?”

“Does it really matter? Whatever the pretense for starting the war, no one will remember it by the end. It is all so pointless.”

“Oh, are we feeling cynical today, too?”

“Do you think you could stop using the royal ‘We’, Your Majesty?”

Jana wasn’t really sure when Hank had first arrived, it had been so long now. One day he had simply shown up and refused to leave. They both tolerated each other but there were times when Jana wished that she could strangle him.

Hank was the only conversation she ever had anymore. They would get into arguments over everything from Earth’s politics, to the nature of happiness, to whether or not this celebrity was cheating on that one. Their discussions were not always the most intellectual, but they were always interesting.

One of the control panels started beeping unusually. Jana stared at it uncomprehendingly for a moment. It wasn’t part of the normal rhythm and for a second she didn’t know what to do.

“Are you going to answer that?” Hank asked. “Or should I?”

Jana grumbled at him and then swiveled her chair around to the beeping panel.

“It’s a message from Earth,” Jana said in surprise.

“What does it say?”

Jana scanned through the message. “They want to bring me home,” she said in even more surprise. “Due to ‘sudden political changes’ they are ordering my immediate return to Earth with all of my scientific studies of the last ten years.”

“That is ridiculous. You don’t even know what you were supposed to be researching.”

“I’m sure I could remember,” she said absently. She felt kind of stunned. Earth. She was going to return to Earth. It was an idea that had not even entered her mind in years. She had given up that hope perhaps even before Hank had shown up.

“You are not really considering this, are you?” asked Hank.

“What do you mean?”

“Do you really want to go back to Earth where you will be just another scientist and the government will take credit for all the work you have done? Up here you are a god. You see all. You are above all the people and their petty problems. Do you really want to go live among them again?”

She looked at the wall where over a dozen monitors showed the satellite feeds from Earth. Everything from news reports to daytime talkshows. For years they had been her only link to the people of Earth. Every now and then she would pick up feeds that were used only by the government and she would watch real people leading their real lives completely unaware that they were being observed. Those vids soon became just like the sitcoms and dramas to her. Could she really live with those people again?

“Just don’t answer them,” said Hank. “Just delete the message and we can go back to the way things were.”

“Eventually we will have to contact them again for more supplies. I do have to eat, you know. And the station will need more fuel.”

“We will worry about that when the time comes. The last supplies they sent should be good for at least a few more years. Now delete the message.”

Jana’s fingers hovered over the controls, but she couldn’t make herself do it.

“Jana, delete the message,” urged Hank.

“Why do you want me to delete the message so badly?”

“Because it is silly. They left you up here for ten years. They forgot about you. And now they want you to come home? I’m the only one who really cares about you. They just want to use you. Delete the message.”

“Home.” What was home anymore? The station was the only home she had known for so long. Was she really ready to leave it? Was she ready to leave Hank? Her fingers still hovered.

“Jana, you are not a part of that world anymore. You don’t need them, you have me. Delete the message.”

Her fingers hovered a second longer and then she pushed away from the panel and began pacing around the bridge.

“You aren’t real, Hank.”

“So what? I’m the best company you’ve ever had. Do you really want to go back to where they will probably lock you up for space dementia? Spend the rest of your life in a padded cell?”

“I’m already in a cell it just isn’t padded.”

“Up here you have freedom and are not bound by the rule of others.”

“Up here I am already a prisoner and spend my days talking to an imaginary person.”

“Life’s not perfect.”

“I can’t even remember the smell of grass.”

“It’s overrated.”

“How would you know? You don’t even exist!”

“Jana, just delete the message. You are getting yourself excited and I think you need to lie down for a while.”

She stopped pacing. She was very tired and her head was throbbing. She looked at the control panel with the message and then she looked at the monitors again. All those people just like her and yet they seemed so alien to her. But in truth, she was the alien. No longer human. Not any more.

She looked back at the control panel.

She had dim memories of a childhood playing in the sun. It wasn’t a huge, fiery mass that took up half of her view window. Back then it was just a bright ball that wandered through the sky. Oh, to be below that blue sky and see the clouds from underneath instead of being surrounded only by black and the distant stars. To feel grass instead of metal beneath her.

“Jana, please,” Hank’s voice was quiet now. “Don’t go.”

Tears were streaming down her face as she walked back to the panel. The message was still flashing as it waited for a reply. Hank was pulling at her, urging her to stay, begging her to delete the message. She felt weak and scared and lost.

She remembered that she had had a family once. A mother and a father. And a sister, she had had a sister, too. Martha? No. Mary. That was it, her sister Mary. They were only a year apart from each other, but while Jana had been busy becoming a scientist Mary had gotten married and had children. How old would they be now?

“Jana?”

Jana had always imagined getting married herself one day. Somewhere by the water with the sun shining and the breeze blowing. But she had never found anyone who would stay with her for very long, she had always been too engrossed in her studies. Too busy to devote time to another person.

“Don’t leave me,” Hank pleaded.

Finally, her hands moved and she began entering keystrokes. When she was done she sank to her knees and sobbed until all her energy was gone. Hank cried out once in anguish and then never spoke to her again, fading away like a ghost into the blackness of space.

Only two weeks later Jana stepped off the shuttle and for the first time in ten years felt a real breeze on her face and saw the smiles of real people to welcome her home.